On the verge

I'm glad no one reads this, because it's better to just write stuff down and not worry about what other people are going to say.

I'm depressed.  I can't seem to shake it this time.  It's all-consuming.  I manage to keep the house neat and to take care of the kids, but if I could just curl up in bed and stay there, sleeping all day, I would.  

I am grateful for the roof over my head, for the health of my kids, for the fact that I am married.  I try to focus on that.

I would like to travel, get out of the gloom and routine here, and have some fun for a change.  It doesn't look like that's on the horizon. 

I have been trying to fix up Kidswap lately.  I posted an ad on craigslist asking for programming help in exchange for any sort of admin work I could do.  I received some replies, but nothing concrete.  I am sure it is time to give it all up.  It's hard to do, but whenever I hang out there I feel bad about myself.   I can't keep paying out of pocket every month for hosting and every year for the forum.  I still owe for some legal bills relating to the trade mark.   

I wish I never would have been asked to go on Dragons Den.  It got my hopes too high and when the lows came, as they have now, it's hard just to say good bye to it all and start on something else.   It hit my self confidence.  I worry about finding a job I am good at, because I have no self confidence.  

This is a pity party today, but that's ok.  I take care of everyone, and every once in awhile I am allowed to feel badly.