Wigging out

I often wonder what it would be like to live a semi-normal life.  I say semi-normal, because my husband has informed me that there is no such thing as normal.  I understand that, I just have a very clear picture of what normal would be like for me, and I'd like to have a chance to try it out!  

So this week, husband is in Las Vegas and I'm supposed to leave on Thursday to meet him.  Unfortunately for me, I have been advised by the genetic counselors I've been seeing to get my amnio on Wed. morning.  I asked specifically if I could fly on the next day, and she said a 4 pm flight should be fine.  On Wed., I can't walk, lift, cook, clean, or anything.  Thank God for MIL's.  

But, this leaves me with a big gaping hole as to what I would do if it was true, if my child had downs.  Most people say they wouldn't do anything, that it's just my lot in life and I need to accept it.  Well,I can say here that I am not really prepared to take on something like that.  Right now, in my panic and complete terror, I can honestly say I want to run away from this entire thing. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I've been through my fair share in the past two years.  I don't even feel the need to recount it all.  I understand that others have been through more, and I feel for them.   I don't seem to draw any strength from that knowledge, but I do have much more compassion for others than I did, say 5 years ago. 

What I feel right now though, is that I've been through too much for ME personally to be able to deal with this.  I am on the edge.  I get upset with the kids because my nerves are shot, I can't find a lunch kit in the morning and I start to cry.  It doesn't help that my husband is not here.  I feel very alone.  Any decisions I make, I will make on my own.    You can't have a relationship via blackberry.  

So, I guess I will update tomorrow.  It's going to be a long day, and an even longer one tomorrow.