Wigging out

I often wonder what it would be like to live a semi-normal life.  I say semi-normal, because my husband has informed me that there is no such thing as normal.  I understand that, I just have a very clear picture of what normal would be like for me, and I'd like to have a chance to try it out!  

So this week, husband is in Las Vegas and I'm supposed to leave on Thursday to meet him.  Unfortunately for me, I have been advised by the genetic counselors I've been seeing to get my amnio on Wed. morning.  I asked specifically if I could fly on the next day, and she said a 4 pm flight should be fine.  On Wed., I can't walk, lift, cook, clean, or anything.  Thank God for MIL's.  

But, this leaves me with a big gaping hole as to what I would do if it was true, if my child had downs.  Most people say they wouldn't do anything, that it's just my lot in life and I need to accept it.  Well,I can say here that I am not really prepared to take on something like that.  Right now, in my panic and complete terror, I can honestly say I want to run away from this entire thing. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I've been through my fair share in the past two years.  I don't even feel the need to recount it all.  I understand that others have been through more, and I feel for them.   I don't seem to draw any strength from that knowledge, but I do have much more compassion for others than I did, say 5 years ago. 

What I feel right now though, is that I've been through too much for ME personally to be able to deal with this.  I am on the edge.  I get upset with the kids because my nerves are shot, I can't find a lunch kit in the morning and I start to cry.  It doesn't help that my husband is not here.  I feel very alone.  Any decisions I make, I will make on my own.    You can't have a relationship via blackberry.  

So, I guess I will update tomorrow.  It's going to be a long day, and an even longer one tomorrow. 

Long time, no see

I didn't even realize that I haven't updated this blog since November, because time has whipped by and I've taken to avoiding the computer if I don't need it for work.  Many things have happened though:

- I'm now 18 weeks pregnant.  I only had just found out the last time I posted and I wasn't prepared to share until after I passed my first trimester.  Baby #4. 

- Husband got a nice raise, which caused me to relax slightly about baby #4.

- Husband has been working 7 days a week since November

- Had a nice Christmas

- Got a 1 in 60 result on my triple screen, which had me in a tizzy. Turns out my dates are wrong, so the hospital that my doctor sent me to for an amnio insisted I retake the test before I subject myself and baby to the chance of miscarriage.  Still waiting for those results.

- Husband's boss decides he's not going to pay him the raise anymore, so now he's working 7 days a week and making what he did before.

- Kids have had flus, colds, and strep throat since January 1st.  Little J has been to school twice since January 5th.   Now it appears he has croup and big N has a fever.  

I'm kind of ready to give up.  I can't make myself want to do anything around the house, because I had been very excited to move and now it appears that will not happen.  I really hate this house, with everything on one floor and no playroom for the kids.  

I know, I'm lucky to have a house. So many people don't have one, and I know that many are losing jobs as well.  I shouldn't care about his raise, because we have enough to live on.  I just get so angry though, because he's gone so much and the only thing that made it worth it was the extra money so I could get a babysitter or maybe put N into daycare two afternoons a week.  Now I am faced with being on my own for extended periods with 4 kids.  

You know, I have purposely isolated myself here.  I find it so stressful taking them out and about that I don't really seek out friends.  They argue with me about going anywhere, and if it's not fun for them, forget it.  Husband says they are spoiled, and I am sure they are.  I've come to hate even going for groceries or to Costco, so I just don't do it.  

Obviously being this down isn't good for the baby, but there isn't much I can do about it. I'm just waiting for the test results to tell me whether I have to go through with an amnio, and taking care of one kid with a fever and another with his 4th cold of the year.  Not a good start to 2009.