He's almost 5 months old!

Really, where does time go? Even though I have devoted myself to sucking up every single second of babydom, my little chunk is growing up.

Nico (as we call him, also known as Nico Chico) is a bouncing 19 pounds at almost 5 months. To say he is difficult to carry around would be a massive understatement. My wrists ache from carpal tunnel! Not kidding! He was 15.6 at our 2 month appointment, and my wonderful Dr. suggested that he was being served a bit too much 'whip cream' as opposed to milk. He does like to eat, that is for sure.

He is such a happy baby, always smiling (unless he's teething) and just being a sweetie in general. He loves his brothers and sister, and he also loves his Daddy which is new for us. Our babies always wanted mommy all the time, but Nico loves his dad. I think it's because Jason really takes care of him, plays with him, and doesn't want to miss him being a baby the way he did with the other 3.

C, N, & J are all doing well in school. I had a momentary freak out about swine flu and literally pulled them all from school for 4 days until they got the h1n1 shot. J has asthma, so I could not take any chances.

Halloween is over and we started decorating for Christmas today. I had to pull 10 big huge boxes out of the crawl space and haul them upstairs by myself. Stressful. Kind of sucks the joy of everything.

I have started another blog at http://www.shellywutke.blogspot.com, but it's for the purpose of marketing writing. I'm still freelancing on Odesk, and it's about all I can handle right now. Of course I have big dreams, but I'm learning that dreams can get put on hold, no matter how old you are. I am envious occasionally, because I see several of my kidswap friends doing so well with photography and it's so great to see moms getting out there and doing what they are best at. My time will come...or it won't. Either way I'm blessed with my family, and even when I get overwhelmed and depressed I tell myself everyday how lucky I am to have them. I really do love to write, so I will just keep writing and see what happens.

I was thinking about Kidswap the other day, because I have to keep explaining the twitter name. Still not sure what to do with it. I'm thinking that permanently closing it would be the best, or starting a blog on the main site and just letting people sell if they want to. It has long since been over there, and it's really sad. I enjoyed it. I miss my kidswap friends! Luckily I can peek in on some of them on Twitter, but not having facebook and the forum makes me miss out on others.

Covered in kids

I am now a mom to 4, and wow, this is different.  

Nicolas is such a sweet little man.  He basically eats, sleeps, and poops.  We find he poops right after we change his diaper, then he poops again. 

J has been off work since I had him, and I think he's ready to go back.  Not one for staying home with the kids, he's stressed just being around them all day.  It makes me kind of sad. 

Here's a pic or 2.

Long time, no blog

It's been a long time since I've updated.  I don't seem to have the time to get to my computer these days, and my fingers are really swollen, so it makes it uncomfortable to actually sit down and type. I miss my real hands and legs.  These just don't belong to me. 

Update: Baby

2 weeks until my due date.  Doc thought the little turkey would have arrived by now.  I'm 1cm, fully effaced, and ready to go, but no baby yet.  Just lots of contractions and most of them painful.  I can't wait to meet you baby, come on out!!

Update: Kids

Jack spent 5 hours in the ER this morning.  Turns out that a blister he had on his ankle (from his sandal strap) developed into a full blown staph infection.  It was white with purple, and when he woke up this morning and told me he had an owie on his foot, he followed that up by throwing up everywhere.  We saw what we were dealing with, threw him in the car, and went straight to the hospital.  Good thing too, because he needed IV antibiotics and IV to stop the throwing up.  Poor little man took his blood work and IV like a pro, but didn't enjoy the lancing of the blister.  It must have been horrible, he wouldn't even let me near it today.  It seems much better already though, and he's on antibiotics for 7 days now. 

It seems everyone gets to go to the hospital except me!  2 weeks ago J ended up there with chest pains and upper abdominal pains.  They didn't know what caused it, but I'm guessing anxiety.  He called me while I was at gymnastics with Jack, and he couldn't talk or breathe so I called an ambulance.  Scary stuff!  He's had a lot of stress lately.

Update: Everything else

A few days ago a guy just walked into our yard when the kids and I were back there and started grilling me about the local of my tenants.  He then ordered me to get him a piece of paper so he could leave a note, and after I refused, he stomped off and was generally very menacing.  He really freaked me out.  Turns out he is someone who thinks that one of the tenants keyed his car.  He came back and banged on the door again, but she wouldn't answer.   Then last night at 1 am, 5 guys came into our yard and threw huge rocks at the window of the suite.  I mean huge rocks.  They actually destroyed the frame of the window.  We have a contractor friend coming to look at it tomorrow and give us an assessment on the cost of repairs.  There is no way in the world I am claiming it on my home insurance.  Nope, sorry, she can pay for this herself.  

We plan on giving them notice of eviction with cause as of tomorrow.  This is ridiculous.  I do not feel safe in my yard, nor can I let the kids play back there while I cook dinner, etc. anymore.  Every time the gate crashes open or closed I jump and run.  How fair is that? I didn't do anything to anyone.  She knows how angry we are, and she's trying to be overly nice, but sorry, I can't do this anymore.  If we don't ask her to leave now, she will literally never move out and we will be saddled with this situation forever.  Hopefully once they leave, the problems stop. 

So just waiting for baby, waiting for school to end, and looking forward to a nice summer.  

So swollen

I am so swollen, I literally have a hard time using my computer.  I think I've added 5 pounds of water in the past week.  My fingers look like sausage.  My legs look unnatural.  I'm just really uncomfortable, and I'm only 32 weeks.  I've done really well up until about the past week. 

Last night I woke up to go to the bathroom, and I couldn't get my balance.  I crashed into the wall and barely made it back to bed. I thought I was just tired, but it happened every time I got out of bed.  I was really dizzy this morning too, and now I have a bad headache.  What on earth??  This is all new. 

I'm still trying to get organized for baby, but I am thinking that I won't be ready before the big arrival.  I'm usually ready before this, maybe I'm in denial! 

Sun, is that you?

I'm so blown away by the warm weather that I honestly don't care that I only have winter maternity clothes.  I think I have 3 tank tops and a pair of shorts, but whatever.  It's only 12 weeks away and I can start working on getting my body back. 

We've had more stress at home recently. Hubby is either going to get fired or quit his job this week.  Bad blowout with his boss over his extra work load and lack of pay, and although I don't think either of them handled it very well, I can't see him continue to work for this guy anymore.  It's been 9 years, and I can't say that there have been very many minutes of it that I have liked.  It's rare to say that you've been through it all because of your husband's job, but I really have.   I'm at the point where I just want it to be over, and have been at this point for years.  It's taken him a lot longer to get there, but when his boss just randomly pulled his raise with no explanation and didn't feel the need to discuss it?  It kind of went downhill from there. 

I worry about him being unemployed with 3 kids and one on the way.  I know we'll be ok for awhile, but the fear of it is keeping me up at night.  Last night I woke up at midnight with really bad heartburn, and was so panicky that I didn't get back to sleep until after 2 am.  I seem to wake up with a lurch and panic immediately.  Not good for baby, and not good for me either. 

I would look forward to him being done with this job if he had something else lined up.  It's that worry that makes me stress.   We pay out so much just for him to work though, that even if he takes a big paycut, it won't be that bad for us.  He just needs to find something. 

I am looking forward to getting rid of his 2 cell phones.  They ring in the morning, at night, and on weekends.  These people have no sense of time.  

Depression

Wow, I hate to say it, but I never thought that depression would find me during pregnancy.  I always seem to develop postpartum, but that's after baby is born.   This time I have wild mood swings and am generally very unhappy.  Of course, I feel completely horrible about that, because it's not the baby's fault this is going on.  

As I've grown larger, the old pregnancy issues have flared up.  I had hoped I would be able to exercise my way through the weight gain and swelling, but it's been another long winter of my husband's job and little free time for me.  I find that when I get free time, I don't know what to do with it anyway.   So I've gained a lot of weight and started to have a lot of swelling.  12 pounds in one month!  I missed the point where I should have taken my rings off, and my legs look like tree trunks.  

I find myself waiting to have a nap each day, because I am so unbelievably tired.   All of this napping interferes with the kids having playdates, so they make me feel guilty for that.  I try at least once a week, but I don't like to have kids over here when we don't have a playroom for them.  They just drag the toys out into the middle of the living room and then it's all left there for me to clean up. 

I just feel like it's so unfair that I have asked for changes repeatedly, and here I am, still waiting for them.  I never wanted to bring another baby into this house.   We don't have the room, plain and simple.  My mom actually suggested putting the baby in our walk in closet.  Don't do this, do that.  It's all I hear all the time.  It's easy to give advice when you live in Saskatchewan and I haven't seen her in over a year. 

Sorry, I know I'm being a bummer here, but I just have been feeling so down that I'm not sure what to do.  I want to be a good mom, I really do.  I am just having such a hard time with driving them back and forth to school, activities, playdates, trying to clean up after them, and living in the top floor of this horrible house.   Will anything ever change? 

Focusing on Writing

I have decided that I need to start to focus my thoughts and energy only on writing, because not unlike a friend of mine who discovered her talent in Photography, I have discovered a talent for writing.  Since joining Odesk I have written hundreds of articles on kids stuff, birthday parties, activities, and so much more.  I did a quick 400 word article on the developmental affects of classical music on children under 2, and was told that it was the best copy that he had ever received.  I've written press releases for a lady who was by far the pickiest person I have ever talked to, and she loved it without changes.  That was a major challenge. 

I joined Writers Market recently, and had to start a blog on there to keep up with the daily writing.  I wish there was a local group of writers I could join!  The motivation would be nice to have. 

I've copied below my first blog post on Writers Market.

"If I said that I never thought I would end up writing for a living, I'd be lying. I've wanted to write, and thought about writing, for as long as I can remember. The boxes of papers I managed to save from my decluttering mother are filled with short stories, journal entries, and poems. In 11th grade I was failing almost every single subject in high school except for English, and to soften the blow of such a horrible report card, my English teacher sent home a note with it that told my parents I had a promising literary career if they could just get me to survive high school. I even failed typing that year, so that note was a Godsend. I wish my mom wouldn't have thrown it away.

When I was in University studying for a Psychology degree, I took random creative writing courses. I lost interest quickly, because most of the people in there were only trying to get quick and easy english credit, and I recognized a lot of 'their' short stories as plagarism fairly quickly. Unfortunately the professor didn't pick up on that, so I lost respect for both the class and the person teaching it.

After I received my degree, I put my focus more on marrying my long term boyfriend than I did on writing anything. We moved to Vancouver, BC, and married a year later. Shortly after I had my first child, then my second, then surprise! My third came along in 2005. In the middle of all of that, I thought myself a web tycoon and started a popular children's web site. I've since learned that I am not interested in web sites, web design, or anything to do with programming. I found myself using the site to start an online weekly gossip column where I would dissect celebrities. I had more fun doing that than anything.

Long story short, the web site started declining when a company I hired turned out to be a bunch of scammers, and I lost interest in the site and the business in the way only someone who was truly burned can. I focused on my kids, and spent 2 years seriously depressed.

Last November, at age 37, I found out that unexpectedly I was expecting again. The pregnancy of #4 hit me right between the eyes, and has put me on a crash course of absolutely refusing to back down from what I want. If I have given my life over to my children, and I will be spending the next few years drowning in coffee, diapers, and screaming, then I will also be spending it doing exactly what I want to do with my life: writing.

I started freelancing on Odesk after asking someone on Craigslist where I could actually make money writing. They directed me to Odesk. My first job was video editing, but I soon found that the person who hired me wanted to get me to create web sites. Although I know all of the ins and outs of web sites, programming, and design, my heart starts to pound and my hands get moist when I think about working on them. You could say I have post-traumatic web stress, brought on by my 2 year legal altercation with the scam artist web design firm from downtown Vancovuer. I worked hard to get that Bachelor of Psychology, and I put it to good use by diagnosing myself.

I put the brakes on the web designing, and focused strictly on articles and web content. Press releases are also a favorite, and they come very easily. I've written ebooks, and entire web sites worth of content on kids, kids activities, and birthday party ideas. I've written book desriptions, letters of intent for graduate school, and a look at the developmental affects of classical music of children under 2. It's been fun, but I feel ready to move beyond Odesk to something else.

I'm currently 2 chapters into a novel I'm writing about a woman with post-partum psychosis. I've been writing this novel in my head for about a year now, because I can really understand how someone can tip over the edge from motherhood. "

I am no longer in complete control of reality

My horoscope for this morning:

After a night of strange dreams, you probably want your day to unfold exactly as you planned. But you are no longer in complete control of reality and the harder you try to wrest it back, the more complicated everything becomes. Still, you might need to demonstrate your competence now by pretending you're in charge. You can carry off this grand illusion today as long as you don't start to believe the hype yourself.

I did have some strange dreams last night.  I dreamt I went to Dairy Queen with a few friends and ordered a hot fudge sundae.  When they gave me the sundae, my friends had already ate all of the chocolate off of it.  I thought that was strange, apparently they did not. 

I also dreamt I was at Disney, but I wasn't allowed to enter the park or go anywhere.  Everyone else could go in, but I was stuck at the gates. 

I'm not sure what it means to not be in control of reality.  Does this mean you slip a cog somewhere in your mind (possible at this point!) or that you should just let the reins go, stop worrying, and see where life takes you. 

I suppose you could say I am superstitious by birth, because it's a deeply ingrained German thing with my Grandma.  I think horoscopes fall somewhere along the lines of superstition, so occasionally I am inclined to listen to whatever epiphany it leads me to that morning.   I am also inclined not to put my shoes on the table (if you do, there could be a death in the family), not to drop a fork in a specific direction (if you do, there could be company coming from that direction), or let my cat howl under my window (once again, death in the family).   I know, it's all ridiculous.  You shouldn't put your shoes on the table because that's just disgusting.   Dropping a fork is accidental, and I've actually dropped one on purpose a time or two because I was bored or lonely.   The cat superstition was probably taken a little too seriously by myself and my cousins, as one night a cat did howl under the window at my Grandma's farm and the next morning we found it killed by raccoons.  Now if my cat howls anywhere outside, I'm at the door bringing her in. I have seen up to 5 raccoons at any one time looking through the glass door on my deck, so I know that this particular superstition can take a very real turn for the cat.

I have no real plans for today, so I suppose I will see where this windy and cold March day takes me.

Is there a recession in Webkinz world too?

I woke up recently at 6 am to find my daughter crying in front of the computer.  She's 7, so there are two things in this scenario that bothered me.  Why on earth was she up at 6 am, and why was she crying at the computer?

I found out, between sobs of course, that she had woke up and decided to go and logon to Webkinz world.  She has 24 Webkinz that grace her shelves and sleep with her at night, and although she doesn't logon to the web site very often, she definitely loves her little animals. 

As we hadn't been on there, she hadn't been feeding her little animals regularly.  She also hadn't been amassing much KinzCash, because she was nearly broke and her babies all had ice bags on their heads from 'going hungry'.  I spent the next half hour selling off possessions from her rooms in order to bring these online creatures back to life, and although I was happy to make her feel better, I was not impressed with the entire web site!

Webkinz used to give you the option of sending your pets to the spa in order to revitalize them.  If you had a bunch running low, you could send them all.  I think the fee was $100 KinzCash for her 20 odd animals.  We tried that option, and it made me realize that recession had hit Webkinz world, because they jacked the spa price to $6000!  

Are they joking?  I know that the TV's we sold and the couches were not used (for real anyway) by her animals, but it made me sad to sit and watch her rooms empty one by one.  Her little face was crushed.  Prior to that morning, if you didn't actually choose that individual animal to play with, they remained in some sort of limbo.  Not hungry, not thirsty, just there if you wanted them.  Now they change it? What's the point?

It seems ridiculous to spend anytime at all thinking about Webkinz unless I'm playing with my kids, but really, is it necessary to add such urgency to a land of imaginary animals?  I'd rather my kid have the option of visiting occasionally than feel pressured to go every single day.  I don't even want her sitting on the computer every day.  

At any rate, that's my rant for today.  I'm still seriously considering sending them a letter telling them they are all a bunch of idiots.  Too bad Obama isn't the president of Webkinz World.  It looks like they need a bailout plan too. 

Distracted

It's so difficult to actually get any work done when you lack focus the way I do!!  I don't know what is wrong with me, it's so difficult to sit down and actually concentrate enough to write an article about children's festivals or outdoor event businesses.  If I could bang my head against the computer I would, but it would break in half! lol

I had a weird dream last night.  I dreamt my husband was a crack head. lol  He kept locking himself up in a room with other people and doing drugs.  I took the kids and went to Grandma's house I think, but when I woke up I was thinking that life isn't really all that bad.  Clearly, in my dreams, it was worse!  

The house we live in is way too small for us.  If we asked the people in the basement to move out, we'd get that space back, but it's so cut off from the rest of the house that I wouldn't put a kid down there for sleeping.   So we are stuck up on the top floor, with bedrooms and all, and it's getting more and more difficult to ignore that there is no where to go for quiet in this house.  It's been really bothering me lately.  This isn't the best time to sell or move.  To get what we need, it is still ridiculously expensive and I'd need to get a job.  Unfortunately, I can't get a job right now giving the baby and all, so I will just have to organize better and make some room.   It's so funny though, this house looks huge from the street, but we live in about 1000 square feet total. The rest is basement suite and office.  I'm ready to go sleep in the yard. 

Baby is a squiggly little worm, and it's fun to feel him moving around.  The lady across the street is pregnant too, and it is hilarious to watch them buy all of this baby stuff. When they ask me if I'm prepping a baby's room, I just laugh.  Really, where will that room be? My closet?  I will set up the bassinet and get the clothes out in June, but that's as far as  I will go until after he is born.  I am reminded of parents who put their kids in drawers to sleep.  

My grandma had 13 kids.  Although they really did have a massive old farm house, I am wondering exactly where she put them all? I heard rumors of babies sleeping behind the stove to keep warm.  I have adopted a policy of 'don't ask' with my mom.  It makes me cringe to think of what those helpless babies went through.  She grew up sort of detached & distant from people, so I guess you can chalk one up for Freud and his attachment theories.  

I'm going to purge my closets.  I had no intention of doing that this morning, but I really can't focus on writing today.

Eating my feelings

I don't think there is that much more to tell about Vegas.   It was sunny, beautiful.  I wish I could live in a climate with palm trees and sun all the time.  I just think my mood would be positive all the time.  

I am an overeater lately.  Ever since I caught wind of my triple screen results and my pending amnio, I've been eating to make myself feel better.  I feel pretty gross.  I have my bike set up on a trainer in the office, and I like to use it for 20 to 30 minutes at a time, but I haven't had the motivation lately.  I thought that the cloud would lift when I found out baby was ok, but now I have just shifted my worry to J's job.  

I am really, really finished with his employment.  I don't know how someone could be such an Ahole and pull someone's well deserved raise.  No explanation, nothing.  He expects the max. amount of work for the least amount of pay, and the worst thing is that I never see my husband.  I'm always on my own with the kids, and now with another one on the way? I am just done. 

If a window opens when a door closes, I'd like to crawl through that window.  After almost 9 years of this crap, with stress and no money to show for it, I want to be finished.  I just hope he can find another job quickly and it's not KD and ichi ban for us for the next two years. 

Vegas for preggos

Las Vegas is a strange and wonderful place, but it's so completely different from what I remembered.  I guess if you can't walk down the strip with a drink in your hand, you see a different side of Vegas!

We rented a car one day and drove out to the Hoover dam.  I have to admit, I was very nervous.  I hung on for dear life anytime Jason went near the edge.  It's so high it makes me sick.  The drive was beautiful though, and the desert looks nothing like I have ever seen.  The trees are odd looking, and I kept looking for cactus.  I guess the desert from the cartoons isn't the desert in reality!

We stayed at Treasure Island, which really was beautiful.  The beds were unbelievably comfortable.  2 duvets and egyptian cotton.  I never wanted to get out of bed.   It was a great deal too.  $89 per night for a premium room. 

More later, off to pick up the kids.

Negative amnio !!!

After a solid month of being told that I have a 1 in 60 chance of having a child with downs, I am very relieved to say that my baby is considered free from downs and other chromosome issues.  Can you say relieved???? Seriously, I almost collapsed when I got the call. 

I got up at 6:30 am on the morning of the amnio, and my friend picked me up in J's car because MIL needed the van to get the kids to school.  We made it to the hospital by 7:50 am, and I checked myself in thinking I had a long wait.  Not to be, they took me straight in and made me change into a gown.  

The only thing that kept me sane at this point was the fact that we would get to see the ultrasound, and I since I have been studying ultrasounds to the point of becoming a technician, I was ready to look for the markers that indicate downs.  

We got into the room and I sat down on the bed so I could sign the forms and give consent.  At this point, the entire idea of the amnio was sinking in, and when they exposed my tummy and started swabbing it down with antiseptic, I was ready to run away.  They very briefly put the baby on the monitor to look for the placenta, and then the doctor was ready.  I started to cry, because it was so scary!!  The nurse asked me to hold her thumbs up by my head, and I am sure they do that so you don't make a grab for your tummy.  

He didn't give me much time to prepare, just 1,2,3 and the needle was in.  It hurt really briefly, not much at all. I'm sure it was a very thin needle.  I barely glanced at the ultrasound, because I didn't want to see it in there by my baby.  It took about a minute and he had 3 vials of fluid out.  Baby remained still throughout.  After he pulled the needle out, I looked at the ultrasound and you could see where the needle had been.  

She gave us another 20 second look at the baby, and then I was finished.  I had my rhogam shot (in the hip, and it hurt more than the amnio!), and I stood up.  I had asked for the FISH results (24 hour results on 3 chromosomes), because after a solid month of stress over the triple screen, I couldn't handle the thought of waiting for 2 more weeks. 

I was fine walking out, and fine going home.  I did feel very sore in the tummy area, and I randomly had small stabbing pains where the needle had been.  Baby was very active, no bleeding or leaking of amniotic fluid.  I spent the entire day in bed watching movies.  I literally didn't want to move for fear of losing that baby, so I stayed put.  The kids were very understanding.  

The next day it felt like I had been punched in the stomach, but I was ok otherwise.  I took Jack to preschool and then I grabbed my planned flight to Vegas at 4 pm.  

I'm not sure, if I could do it again, that I would go on a trip.  Vegas requires a lot of walking, and I was pretty sore.  It was nice to spend time with husband. 

I feel relieved, blessed.  I have sympathy for the women who are going through the waiting game right now, because it really messes with your mind.  I was so unbelievably stressed for almost a month, so now that it's over I'm left feeling exhausted.  I need to catch up with work and everything, but I'm slow getting back into it. 

Wigging out

I often wonder what it would be like to live a semi-normal life.  I say semi-normal, because my husband has informed me that there is no such thing as normal.  I understand that, I just have a very clear picture of what normal would be like for me, and I'd like to have a chance to try it out!  

So this week, husband is in Las Vegas and I'm supposed to leave on Thursday to meet him.  Unfortunately for me, I have been advised by the genetic counselors I've been seeing to get my amnio on Wed. morning.  I asked specifically if I could fly on the next day, and she said a 4 pm flight should be fine.  On Wed., I can't walk, lift, cook, clean, or anything.  Thank God for MIL's.  

But, this leaves me with a big gaping hole as to what I would do if it was true, if my child had downs.  Most people say they wouldn't do anything, that it's just my lot in life and I need to accept it.  Well,I can say here that I am not really prepared to take on something like that.  Right now, in my panic and complete terror, I can honestly say I want to run away from this entire thing. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I've been through my fair share in the past two years.  I don't even feel the need to recount it all.  I understand that others have been through more, and I feel for them.   I don't seem to draw any strength from that knowledge, but I do have much more compassion for others than I did, say 5 years ago. 

What I feel right now though, is that I've been through too much for ME personally to be able to deal with this.  I am on the edge.  I get upset with the kids because my nerves are shot, I can't find a lunch kit in the morning and I start to cry.  It doesn't help that my husband is not here.  I feel very alone.  Any decisions I make, I will make on my own.    You can't have a relationship via blackberry.  

So, I guess I will update tomorrow.  It's going to be a long day, and an even longer one tomorrow. 

Long time, no see

I didn't even realize that I haven't updated this blog since November, because time has whipped by and I've taken to avoiding the computer if I don't need it for work.  Many things have happened though:

- I'm now 18 weeks pregnant.  I only had just found out the last time I posted and I wasn't prepared to share until after I passed my first trimester.  Baby #4. 

- Husband got a nice raise, which caused me to relax slightly about baby #4.

- Husband has been working 7 days a week since November

- Had a nice Christmas

- Got a 1 in 60 result on my triple screen, which had me in a tizzy. Turns out my dates are wrong, so the hospital that my doctor sent me to for an amnio insisted I retake the test before I subject myself and baby to the chance of miscarriage.  Still waiting for those results.

- Husband's boss decides he's not going to pay him the raise anymore, so now he's working 7 days a week and making what he did before.

- Kids have had flus, colds, and strep throat since January 1st.  Little J has been to school twice since January 5th.   Now it appears he has croup and big N has a fever.  

I'm kind of ready to give up.  I can't make myself want to do anything around the house, because I had been very excited to move and now it appears that will not happen.  I really hate this house, with everything on one floor and no playroom for the kids.  

I know, I'm lucky to have a house. So many people don't have one, and I know that many are losing jobs as well.  I shouldn't care about his raise, because we have enough to live on.  I just get so angry though, because he's gone so much and the only thing that made it worth it was the extra money so I could get a babysitter or maybe put N into daycare two afternoons a week.  Now I am faced with being on my own for extended periods with 4 kids.  

You know, I have purposely isolated myself here.  I find it so stressful taking them out and about that I don't really seek out friends.  They argue with me about going anywhere, and if it's not fun for them, forget it.  Husband says they are spoiled, and I am sure they are.  I've come to hate even going for groceries or to Costco, so I just don't do it.  

Obviously being this down isn't good for the baby, but there isn't much I can do about it. I'm just waiting for the test results to tell me whether I have to go through with an amnio, and taking care of one kid with a fever and another with his 4th cold of the year.  Not a good start to 2009.